


Contemplations on the Experience of Emotion

by PaleoKitty



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Cute, In Universe, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slice of Life, sharing feelings is hard, start of a relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:28:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22727653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaleoKitty/pseuds/PaleoKitty
Summary: Fluttering, fluffy emotions as documented by two really insecure guys who totally have feelings for each other but don’t know how to move forward. Oh, and Valentine's Day is in there too.
Relationships: Axel/Roxas (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	Contemplations on the Experience of Emotion

**Author's Note:**

> A gift exchange piece for CapriciousSieve from the AkRk discord. Please enjoy! The prompt morphed into a cute day-to-day story that I hope is as fun to read as it was to write.
> 
> And thank you autumnplants for setting this up and giving me a good reason to write something lighthearted.

“... And the skateboard rammed _right_ into Seifer’s face. Left him with a nose-full of blood. Man, it was black and blue for weeks.”

Roxas’s mind surfaced from daydreams, catching the end of Hayner’s (no doubt hyperbolic) tale. His brow furrowed in the same disbelieving, yet amused, expression that only Hayner’s musings could drum up. Roxas remembered that it was the weekend, that he had spent the day with his friends - he was still getting used to having friends again - although Axel and Isa both had work, so their clocktower trip was two short. The space on his right, where Axel usually sat, was vacant and cold. 

Laying back, his free-falling feet swayed limply off of the clocktower, an oddly calming sensation, and both arms supported his head’s skyward gaze. He tried to distract his wandering mind with the sky. It was some small comfort in the stillness where Axel would be chiming in with some weird story or joke.

Clouds passed by with a lazy nonchalance, a few pinpricks of light announced stars, _worlds_ , beyond the one he now called home. The sun was on the very cusp of the horizon, dazzling the world with its perpetual twilight. Roxas swore he would never grow tired of seeing the sunset.

It wasn’t quite half a year since he and the others had settled back into the growing cityscape of Twilight Town. Not even a full month since Roxas had admitted (though only to himself) the feelings that poked and prodded his mind without permission. And with February quickly approaching, Roxas couldn’t help but notice a trend cropping up among town: hearts. 

Not metaphysical Hearts, which he himself had fought to reclaim from an eldritch power beyond any one person’s comprehension (namely just called “darkness”). 

No, these hearts were glittery, _blinding_ even, fashioned in various pastel shades of pink and red. They could be found littering the job bulletins, beside ads for “couples specials”, proudly displayed on store displays, selling candles, chocolates, cards…  
It seemed like the whole town was getting ready for some ritual that only couples would gain entry to. And that was what was distracting Roxas. Hearts. Couples. _Feelings_. 

When he eventually asked what the deal was around town, both Hayner and Olette groaned and said: “Valentine’s Day”. 

Pence explained how it was a day overhyped about getting all mushy with your significant other. Or others, he was sure to amend.

Olette said it was “a commercialist holiday made to sell excess cardstock and stuffed animals at _exorbitant_ prices.” 

Hayner just rolled his eyes and claimed he only cared about the chocolate (though he seemed bitter for some unspoken reason, but Roxas didn’t pry). 

But, after much back-and-forth fighting with himself, Roxas decided it would be as good a day as any to confront his emotions with the one they all revolved around. At least if other people were getting all lovey-dovey, he would (hopefully) feel much less abashed by being openly sentimental. And if things went south, he could laugh it off as being influenced by the overly-romantic atmosphere; explain how the whole “having emotions” thing had a steep learning curve that he’d yet to master, and he just didn’t understand _what_ he was feeling. No doubt his “” _crush_ ”” would have to understand the mix-up, for he’d been conditioned into believing the same lie as Roxas had. That Nobodies couldn’t feel emotion. That whatever they _thought_ they felt was more like an echo of a past emotional response. Nothing present, nothing worth acting on.

The more Roxas turned the cogs around this matter, the more his head hurt.

“Uh… Rox?” 

Peeling his eyes open, Xion appeared to be upside down, head floating among the wispy clouds. Then Roxas remembered he was laying down, and Xion wasn’t in the sky at all.

“Hmm? Oh, are we leaving now?” Roxas glanced sidelong to see Olette and Pence already standing by the stairs. Following their lead, he first pulled himself upright, then stood, watching the world spin for a second before attempting to move. Xion was looking thoughtful, blue eyes trained on him for a minute, but hadn’t said anymore. Roxas had the slightest suspicion she could often read everything written on his face, but this was the first time he actively hoped Xion couldn’t. That she would allow him this one secret. 

\- - 

Axel hadn’t been sleeping well. 

If it wasn’t too hot, it was too damn cold. If it wasn’t the _whirring_ of the ventilation system or the intermittent _roaring_ of the water boiler, it was dead silence that bothered him. It was either too dark or not dark enough (despite the blackout curtains that came standard throughout the city).

And on top if it all were the dreams. 

Not exactly “bad” dreams, but they felt a little too realistic, too _foreboding_ for Axel’s liking. And the only theme discernable was how trouble followed his around like a shadow; and how in each one he kept losing someone… someone very dear to him. Always the same person... 

Some nights, when it was particularly bad, Axel wanted to shoot a text to verify that his dream, in fact, _hadn’t_ happened, and Roxas would still be tucked away in his own bed, safe from any reckless cars or falling grand pianos. Or invisible hordes of locusts (Axel tried not to think of that one). But, for a variety of reasons, he never pressed send. 

Axel knew he was overthinking things, and it was _likely_ three in the morning, and Roxas _likely_ forgot to silence his phone, and the ringing would wake its recipient (much to his chagrin). That logic was enough to ease his troubling thoughts for another four or so hours of rest.  
And, as if to rub it in his face just how crazy half-asleep-Axel was, Roxas would be at the clocktower the following day, uninjured and un-transformed-into-a-bug (again, Axel had no logical explanation for such an irrational fear, it just was what it was) and Axel would laugh and rub the back of his neck in relief. 

Axel wondered if it was a result of the sheer amount of stress his ‘previous life’ had been; always fighting, always reaching towards something that was just too far gone. But now… things were stable, _boring_ even, and Axel finally understood that the “daily grind” didn’t have to involve beating up strange creatures for some evil master plan or running strange errands for a scientist (who was also, like, ruler of the town). 

In these months, Twilight Town had become a stable footing in the sea of turmoil. The place where the sea and the city coexisted, and ice cream was cheap (and just the right balance between sweet and salty). The place where all the people he wanted most to see were, always up to some new shenanigan. The place where Roxas was. 

The longer Axel allowed himself to ruminate on these thoughts, he could feel something tender blooming in his chest, in the heart that he knew was there. It must be tattered and worn down, a reminder of all he’d been through, but it was still there, still _his_ , and still growing with new experiences everyday. This, too, eased his mind from fears. 

But there was still one fear that lingered in the most secluded regions of thought. 

“Isa… Isa? Geez, ignoring me again? You know, that’s not very becoming for a friend,” Axel teased, prodding the other’s elbow where it rested on the desk. 

Isa huffed with the same energy as a parent at the mall with three children. But, after another prod from the insistent red-haired menace, Isa caved and pulled his headphones off his ears, giving a bland expression that read (at least to Axel) as ‘what is so important that you needed my immediate attention?’ 

“So, you see… Saturday is that holiday or whatever that the town’s going crazy for. You know, ‘Valiant Day’ or somethin’. And, well…” Axel looked across the room, scratching at his head and trying to find the words. “I’ve been wondering how I could just talk to someone alone, like, well, a _couple thing_ , but without all the weird romantic pressure. Do you follow?”

Isa joked dryly with one raised eyebrow, “If this is your way of proposing to someone, I think they’ll dump you on the spot.”

“Damn, you don’t need to be so brutal. I suck at this sappy shit, I know. _Ugh_. I was just wanting to get a serious response for once. Guess I shoulda asked Xion instead.”

That seemed to get some reaction out of Isa, because he sighed again and looked directly at his friend. “Just be yourself. You don’t need to get so worked up. I’m sure this person (cough)... already knows.” And, just because Isa couldn’t help from ending with another jab, he added: “Because you’re just that bad at keeping secrets.”

\- - 

Sparsely more than a week later, Valentine’s Day arrived.

And, in honor of the holiday, the outdoor plaza theater was screening some popular rom-com on their oversized projector. If Roxas had to guess, the jokes would be corny and the video quality would be lacking, but Olette seemed dead set on dragging the lot of them out of the Usual Place for the occasion. Axel had even agreed to the prospect via text, assuring to bring Isa along after work. 

“And why would _I_ want to see some _sickeningly_ cheesy, mushy love story?” Hayner openly complained, face-palming unironically. 

“Well, you’re free to go mope alone somewhere else then. But Xion and myself are already decided. Pence? Roxas?”  
During this time, Roxas had felt Xion’s gaze stabbing him in the side, another one of those weird ‘I-know-what-you’re-thinking’ things. 

“I’ve got to pick up more film for my camera in town anyway. So, why not?” Pence agreed, cutting the tension between Olette and Hayner that continued to radiate from each other.

“I, uh… sure.” Roxas replied. Between Olette’s stubborn assertion and Xion’s intent, meaningful glance, he had no believable reason to skip out. After all, Axel had already agreed, so it was the perfect excuse to talk to him (perhaps even alone) while the others were making light of the movie and gagging at all the kiss scenes. The thought alone made Roxas’s feet grow cold, his tongue becoming a heavy weight in his mouth. 

What if he said the wrong thing? What if he was too obtuse or vague or scatterbrained to even communicate the yearning that tugged at his vocal chords? Demanding to be expressed, shared, said without reservation. What if…

It was ultimately Xion’s hand resting on his shoulder that brought Roxas back into the moment. She smiled and patted him twice, another gesture that conveyed her faith in him, in whatever situation she thought he was going through. Roxas softened and smiled back. 

“No what-ifs, Roxas.” 

“Thanks.”

And with that, she paced back to the now-cooling feud, as Hayner bitterly acquiesced to go along. But, he insisted, only for the snacks and to see someone get dumped (which he seemed convinced would happen after someone dragged their lover to a cheap rom-com instead of a fancy dinner). Now that the whole gang was onboard, that there was a plan in motion, all Roxas could do was move forward one step at a time and ignore the lingering ‘what-ifs’ in his psyche. 

Axel left his shift an hour early to go back to Isa-and-his apartment and change out of his damn work slacks. He was still getting used to wearing office attire; and the more he wore it, the more convinced he was that it was some form of corporate punishment, mandated to keep their employees in a perpetual state of mild discomfort. But that was just his wild conspiracy theory. Isa insisted that it was better than wearing long, leather cloaks everywhere - but at least the cloaks didn’t have to be tucked-in and tied in a fancy way. 

And it was particularly important, today of all days, to appear presentable. Not that he ever _wasn’t_ presentable (Axel did have a standard to keep up with, after all) but he needed to find something that outwardly said “I’m attractive and really into you, but also approachable and you can talk to me”. Looking through his closest, that seemed to me a tall order to fill. 

He threw aside a pair of sleek leather pants that he dubbed “sexy, but not emotional enough”, three sets of skinny jeans, and completely passed by the shorts section (they were much too out of season). There was a pair of baggy Tripp pants he owned and only wore once - that is an interesting story for another time - but those didn’t suit the mood either. Axel hadn’t realized how limited his wardrobe was until now, and he resorted to digging through the very bottom of his dresser for something reasonable, yet appealing. 

It took that whole extra hour of time he’d bought himself just to find something nice, but casual, but also a step up from his usual-casual-game. Axel would have to clean up the mess of discarded clothes later, assuming something didn’t go terribly wrong and Roxas was inexplicably missing, or a ghost, or trapped under a boulder, actively trying to remove his leg… 

“Yeah right… God, pull it together,” He chided himself. “Enough with these irrational fears.” 

Axel adjusted his fiery mane again in the mirror and brushed a few stray threads off of his jacket. He was getting more anxious by the second, but he was still waiting for Isa, just to reaffirm that his choice of clothing was alright. Granted, Isa probably didn’t care one way or another. 

The tell-tale _swish_ of the front door startled Axel a little and he almost fell into the living area, playing it off as smooth as he could manage. To the stoic man’s credit, he hadn’t jolted or even done so much as quirk an eyebrow. Yep, he’d definitely been through all of Axel’s shit, but he was still here to deal with it anyway. That’s precisely what he hoped Roxas would do, too, stand through all of Axel’s wild antics, and still laugh every time, or roll his eyes in that adorably-irritated way that only Roxas could muster (without looking completely pissed off). 

Isa moved indifferently across to the coat rack to hang up his jacket, before properly looking at his friend. “New clothes?”

“Err, no. Not exactly.” Axel tugged unconsciously at the red checker-print scarf. It had been something he bought to complement Roxas’s white checker-print aesthetic, and even thinking of how silly that rationalization was made him tentative to wear it openly. He’d layered it in a kinda hipster fashion over his three other layers.

“It suits you,” is all Isa said before moving off to change himself.  
Axel felt immensely relieved. It wasn’t too dorky after all (otherwise Isa would’ve called him out on the spot). Axel had to be grateful for the other’s bluntness at times like these. 

When Isa was done, he threw the same jacket back on and headed towards the door. Axel had propped himself at the kitchen counter and was staring ahead, trying to compose words that he would say as if they were lyrics to a song. Likely some underground, grunge metal band song, the kind with amps so loud you can barely hear afterwards. Isa gave a sharp wave to indicate he was leaving, and Axel resigned himself to follow, legs moving automatically down the three flights of stairs and out into the edge of the city and then onward.  
Internally, he was still rehearsing phrases and light-hearted jokes to keep in the forefront of his mind. Things that would make Roxas beam his award-winning smile. 

Unfortunately, it only took the mere sight of those haphazard blonde spikes in the theater plaza to wipe Axel’s mind clear. All he could feel were butterflies in the hollow of his abdomen, threatening to escape and make his tongue slip-up. Damn it! He really wasn’t used to losing his cool so much, especially around people he knew. It was a whole new world of frustration.

Isa had gone on ahead, moving between rows of people - mostly couples or youth with nothing better to entertain them - and was speaking with Xion off to the side of the isle. Something about it seemed mischievous, but Axel was too far away to make heads or tails of their sudden buddy-buddy act. They nodded in sync, like two siblings with a plan, and Xion waved over to Axel (who was still lingering in the back row, weighing if the percent likelihood that _he_ would be the one to suddenly disappear from this situation).  
That logic caved quickly and Axel was left to slowly pick through the crowds to meet the ever-growing group of people he could count on to bury his secrets (which was just a really long-winded way to say ‘friends’). 

Hayner shot him some fingerguns and Pence waved. And Roxas… well, he bolted upright and energetically looked around. Hopefully it wasn’t because he wanted to run as much as Axel did. Dash away in some vain, self-preserving attempt to quell the _thump-thumping_ in his chest. To stop his hands from twitching and sweating and nervously playing with the hem of some piece of clothing. Axel took a big gulp of air and looked in the other’s general direction, catching a darting glance of ocean blue spangled with rims of turquoise and navy. Eyes Axel could get lost in. 

It wasn’t until he finally settled his frantic mind into his surroundings that Axel noticed Xion had scooted over to allow him a seat. And, _of freaking course_ , it was one right next to Roxas.  
Axel made a mental note that Xion could play dirty when she wanted to (and still act completely innocent of any involvement). 

“Glad you could make it! Was work okay?” Xion piped up to his right, still more than a head shorter than Axel, even sitting. 

“Oh, uh, yeah. Fine, I guess. Nothing groundbreaking. No Heartless, only heartless copy machines that keep getting ink everywhere.” Axel babbled off, constantly aware of his hands that rested on either side of the bench. Constantly aware of how close he was to Roxas. Aware that Roxas was fidgeting with a zipper and looking down, trying to avoid something. 

_No, no. No more assuming the worst. Maybe… it’s just a really cool zipper?_  
He reached an arm up to rub the back of his neck and looked at the sky. But he got no escape because as soon as Xion caught onto his little ploy, she elbowed him lightly in the ribs. Axel looked down with an expression akin to ‘what the hell, can’t a man enjoy the clouds in peace?’ and was answered with pursed lips that reminded Axel so much of Sora.  
Xion really wasn’t playing fair, but Axel had to respect that. 

“So, uh, Rox? Have you seen this movie before?”  
Dammit, dammit. He really just said the first thing that came to mind. But it got Roxas to look back up at him, head a little tilted and brow creased in confusion, then understanding. 

“No. Rom-coms aren’t really my genre. But Olette said it was really funny, so…” Roxas shrugged and reclined back on his hands too, imitating Axel in posture.  
Axel was now cognizant that their pinkies were only a millimeter or two apart. He felt his face warm significantly and retract back upwards to the safety of watching the sky. 

Somewhere to the opposite end, Isa made a loud coughing noise. God only knew what that meant. 

But as Axel was still pondering their joint plan, the lights in the plaza dimmed and someone began loading the reel to the projector. People quieted and Xion made an elaborate show of a statement. “If anyone wanted concessions, I’d say _now is your last call_ without disrupting anyone.”  
Then Axel felt a light pressure on his left hand, the one beside Roxas.

“Geez, geez. Fine fine fine.” Hayner complained on the other side of Roxas. But it wasn’t Hayner who stood to leave, it was Roxas. Those eyes seared against Axel’s green ones, speaking without a voice, _you coming?_

“Oh, yeah! They serve popcorn and stuff here. I must’ve forgotten,” Axel pretended, standing too and pushing past rows of feet to trail Roxas, fully understanding they weren’t getting snacks. Though it was a pity, because microwave popcorn was trash compared to the real kettle stuff. Plus, it would give Axel another excuse to busy his hands with something. 

That was, until Roxas’s own hand reached back and locked onto the sleeve of Axel’s jacket, half-tugging, half-steadying himself as they walked through the little archway out of the theater. 

_Crapcrapcrap, I can’t do this. I don’t know what I was thinking!_

Roxas felt his throat seize up, refusing to communicate properly. The clatter of boots on concrete behind assured him: ‘ _yes, I’m not just imagining this’._ And also: ‘ _yes, this is possibly the most awkward position to be in right now’_. Gripping someone’s sleeve like a life jacket and dragging them to who-knows-where without saying a single word… 

_Yeah, real smooth, Roxas_ .  
God, now even his mind was against him. If only his jaw would unhinge itself with some revolutionary, well-needed explanation.  
Something like: ‘ _Sorry for bringing you all the way out here, but I totally promise there’s a good reason and it’s_ not _to hide your body in the back alley where no one would see it.’_  
Or: _‘Hey, I know this must be really weird and all, but I just wanted to tell you… your hair looks really good and do you wanna go on a real date sometime?’_

But, of course, the only thing Roxas’s voice could muster up was a really cheap line from some hazy memory far back. “Sunset is my favourite time of day. Do you know why?”

“Umm. Nope, no clue. Tell me.” Axel said in his most sing-song tone. 

“Well… light is made up of lots of colors, right? And, out of all of those colors…” (Roxas was feeling cornier the more he spoke) “Red travels the furthest.” Roxas spun on his heel in a move that seemed much cooler in his head than it played out now. Momentarily forgetting that they were linked hand to sleeve, Roxas ended up tugging Axel towards himself and they both stumbled a little to catch their balance; Roxas was begrudgingly forced to let go of the connection to lean against a light post. 

For a moment, they both looked at each other, neither one wanting to step back, but mindful of the sudden shortness of space between them. Roxas had to crane his neck a little upwards to even see the taller guy, but it was Axel who broke the tension first, giving them both a little more space to breathe. 

“ You know… I think I told you that in the first place.” Axel laughed. It was genuine, not snarky or sarcastic, but rich and layered with emotion. “And, let me guess. You were going to say something like _‘and red is my favourite color’?”_

“ _Pfft,_ well I won’t say it now. Now it just sounds cheesy.” Roxas laughed back, growing more comfortable in the moment. “Hey, uh. Sorry for acting so weird.”

“Don’t worry about it. We’re all weird here anyway,” Axel beamed back. 

“So…” _Inhale… Exhale… Repeat… No ‘what-ifs’..._  
“So, umm… Geez, how do I put this without sounding like a lunatic…”

“Maybe it goes something like this,” Axel picked up the sentence where Roxas trailed off. “There’s something that keeps weighing on my mind…”

“Yeah,” he nodded back, but avoided looking at Axel directly, “and I think… it has to do with...”

“You. Err, me? Both of us.” Axel concluded definitively.

“And sometimes, I think I’m just going mad. Like, I can’t stop worrying, or daydreaming, or thinking of things that _could be_.”

“...And you can’t sleep at night. Well, as ‘night’ at this place ever gets, right?”

Roxas nodded in agreement. It felt somewhat surreal that Axel was able to grasp just how he was feeling in precise words that kept evading him. “And then I realized something… Well, I think it was a little while ago I realized. But I just didn’t want to accept it. I thought it was a phase, some kink in the emotion machine.” 

Luckily, Axel didn’t start up with some lewd joke at this moment.

Roxas opened his mouth to continue, but Axel spread his arms open for a hug, and Roxas, grateful for the support and excuse for no more awkward stares, buried himself in the other’s frame. Then Axel went on, voice a little sad but rounded with thoughtful consideration.  
“And everytime I got a chance to see you, I felt giddy, high-on-life if you will. Like the ephemeral metaphor of ‘walking on sunshine’.”

Roxas laughed and made a small remark about how this conversation had already one full-circle to the sun, but it didn’t break Axel’s stride.

“I wanted to spend every second I wasn’t sleeping or working with you. Hell, I would quit my job and we could go tour the worlds in a Gummi spacevan if you were into that. A little hitchhike around the galaxy.” 

Roxas pulled back out of the hug, giving Axel a _‘really_ ’ look. “Dude, a movie reference even now?” But he wasn’t mad about it. On the contrary, it was part of what he liked so much about Axel. He was unabashedly dorky. 

“ _Hey, rude_. It was a book first. A pretty damn good book.” 

“Semantics.” Roxas shrugged, aware he probably wasn’t using that word in the right context. 

“So… Rox?” 

“Hmm?”

“Should we both say it at the same time? Or do you wanna go first?”

“What? Is it that terrifying to say?” Roxas meant it as a joke, but it came out a little harsher than expected, because Axel responded with a serious nod and a self-conscious glance away.  
Roxas reached a hand out and Axel took it, warm and a little twitchy, just like his own.  
“We’ll say it at the same time then, ‘kay?”

“On the count of three?”

“Yeah.”

_1…_

_2…_

_3…_

“Axel, will you go out with me?” “Roxas, would you wanna go out with me?”

They laughed simultaneously, the jumble of words becoming gibberish in the evening air. 

“Of course, Rox.” Axel freed his hand to shuffle through the other’s blonde spikes, earning a playful bat from Roxas as he continued chuckling. 

“Sounds good to me, Axel.” 

“Say… Uh, do you think we should get back to the others? Not that I’m too keen on sitting through a rom-com anyway…”

“Nah. Xion can cover for us. Do you want to go get some ice cream instead?”

“You bet. All this feelings stuff has worked my brain up and it needs something to chill out.”

And that is exactly what they did. But we’ll save that story for another day. 


End file.
